Can you spell C.R.A.Z.Y. ??????

Okay, so I've now spoken with the lady at Children's Services 3 times since yesterday. (I just got off the phone with her). God bless her for being so understanding of my current state of CRAZY!! She said that nothing has arrived at her office yet this morning but packages arrive all throughout the day until about 3:30pm so I guess I wait some more. I have a hunch that I won't hear anything until Monday.....I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through the weekend, so let's all hope and pray that our referral is in a truck somewhere today to be delivered early this afternoon. Everytime that phone rings, my heart goes flying out of my chest. I'm checking out other blogs and reading of all the referrals coming in and the babies are all so adorable (of course) and can't wait to get my hands on mine.

Relax......breath in, breath out.

Stork cleared for take off.....up, up, and away!

We just received 'official' confirmation from our agency this afternoon via email and this is what it says:

"Well the time has come we can confirm the CCAA has matched files up to and including June 6, 2005. We are expecting your referrals to arrive late this week to early next week. Please remember we will require a minimum of 6 hours to review copy and scan the referral before we can call families. We try and call families as soon as we can, so please rest assured we are working hard to get them done. If you have any updated email addresses or phone numbers, please send them to me via email.
KM will be answering all of your questions regarding travel. We do not yet have a tentative travel date, we will have to wait and see when they arrive. We will provide you with more information regarding meetings and travel when we contact you with the referral information. I am looking forward to giving you some great news!"

Other American agencies have even told their families that referrals were mailed from the CCAA on Tuesday (China is 12 hours ahead of us) so hopefully we'll see something by the end of the week. I spoke to AB Children's Services today (since we don't live in Ontario, our own provincial ministry must handle the referral) and she said that once they have the referral in their hands and reviews it quickly, she will scan and email Jenna's picture to us. Then they will fax a copy to Children's Bridge where it will get translated and sent back to Children's Services. We will then go and pick up the referral at their offices downtown. She says that if they receive it in the next couple of days, we could see our daughter's face by FRIDAY!!!! I can't believe this is finally happening! Thank goodness I had alot to do today to keep me pre-occupied otherwise, I don't know how I would have managed today.

Thanks to all my peeps who have been hearing me say "maybe next month" a million times when asked when, when when. It's a hard process for non-adopters to understand, I barely did myself. Our journey to a family started sooooo many years ago and to think that in only a few more days, I'll be able to see our 'new edition' with my very own eyes, even if I won't be able to see through the buckets of crocodile tears streaming down my face. To all those who have missed the cut off, by however many days, my heart goes out to you. I know how you feel, I've been there and it blows chunks, but hang on.....it's coming.

THE STORK IS READY FOR TAKE OFF........

I've been saving this picture for months and months and months hoping for the day I get to actually use it on my blog. It's OFFICIAL...not a rumor, but OFFICIAL. Here is what the CCAA website said this morning:

I knew we were next but after all we've been through the last couple of months, I still had my reservations. But, finally, finally, this is starting to become real to me. I've had a bad week so this is the best news I could have possibly been given first thing this morning. I woke up to check my email and I received an email from one of my travel mates and all it had to say in the subject was "Congratulations Group 232" and I just about fell over!!! (Thanks KG!!). I was reading blogs late last night because I couldn't sleep and I wanted to scour the rumor mill, and there was still no update on the CCAA website either....but lo and behold, here it is!!!! I'm so excited I could pee my pants!!! Hopefully we'll get a call from AB Children's Services today to let us know when to expect the 'Golden Package' and believe you me, I ain't leaving this house for no one!

So keep checking back......I will soon be able to introduce our "Sweet Baby Jenna" to all my faithful followers!!

God I wish that dang phone would ring already!!! I'm soooooo done waiting. Bring it ON baby, I'm sooooooo READY!!!

Happy Easter!

Hee, hee, hee. I crack me up!

The almighty Crystal Ball....

So I went on this goofy astology prediction website (don't ask) and I ran into this site where you can ask the crystal ball a question and it will give you an answer. Well I asked "Will I get my referral next?" and the moronic answer I got was:

The answer is obvious.


WTF!!! Obvious as in "Of course you'll get your referral next, you are the next day!" or Obvious as in "Obviously you're an idiot to believe that you're actually going to be next!" The reason I ask this questions is because the latest and greatest rumour that's floating around in China Adoption land is that the next set of referrals will only cover part of May 31st. HOW CAN THAT BE! Someone is definitely playing with my damn mind! The running joke after the last set of referrals was that the only way we wouldn't be next is if the CCAA decides to match half days only. And we thought that was hilarious. OH MY GOD!!!! This just can't be true. Who comes up with this! For the sake of my sanity, I'm going to keep believing that the rumour was started by some nerdy snot nosed whiz kid somewhere who sits behind his computer, eating Cheetos and M&M's, surfing China Adoption related blogs and gets his thrill on seeing what effects a rumour like that has on soon-to-be-parents who are already on the verge of a nervous breakdown caused by this slowdown. Now there's a vision huh?

Nothing really new to report from CB Weekly Update. The only thing they did say, aside from appreciating our anxiety towards this whole waiting situation, was that now the wait time from LogIn to referral will be increasing to 12-13 months. I guess after Jenna comes, we won't be applying to China again for our second....unless things change drastically. I don't know if I can handle going through all this again. I just turned 33 on Tuesday and I already feel like an old lady!

Bye Bye Music...

So I decided to do without the music afterall. I've been to other blogs and found it a bit distracting when I was reading posts so I decided to do away with it. And ever since I put music on my blog, my computer security kept blocking pop-ups. So there you have it....bye bye music!

Shutters, Fans and Music...Oh My

Thank goodness this week is over and the weekend is upon us. Last week was a week I'd rather forget....but now on to bigger and better things right? I've really been trying to stay off the rumour mill this week, even though it's too early for any new rumours. I don't think it's good for my psychie (or my heart for that matter) to hang on every single rumour I might hear or read. I figure if I didn't hear it from my agency, then it doesn't hold any water with me! So there!

Hmmmm, if I haven't been spending my time reading blogs and rumour mills, what the hell have I been doing with my time......? Well we finally got our shutters installed yesterday and who knew a window treatment can make such a difference?

If you seen the old, ugly, metalic mauve blinds we had on ALL our upstairs windows, you'd appreciate these beautiful shutters even more! I think they'll be great, especially in Jenna's room because they block out the daytime light pretty good when you have them closed....perfect for her afternoon naps!

AND, we also installed Jenna's ceiling fan, which I LOVE. Thanks to my "sissy" for buying it and shipping it all the way from California for me! And also to my MIL and her partner for installing it for me. I think it looks AWESOME! And the cute little butterflies switches are the cutest!


Oh, and if you haven't noticed, I've added music to my blog. I love the song I'm playing..... "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". Hope you like it too!

I held out as much hope as I had left in me but to no avail. The rumor was in fact true...the CCAA only matched files logged-in between May 26-30. This news was so bad that our agency, who we rarely get personal emails from, felt the need to email us on Friday with this:

"The CCAA has indicated to us that they have matched only a 5 day period up to May 30, 2005. I realize this is intensely frustrating and that I had a crystal ball to help all CB families through the wait. I hope you find solace in the fact that it will happen, just not as quickly as you were hoping for.
We are also very frustrated with this information. We did try to have at least one group matched (232 as their LID is May 31), however it was too late as they have already been sent out. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to contact me."

This feeling sadly resembles the torture of waiting for results of an IVF cycle, only to find out that it didn't work and trying to compose yourself (body and mind) to start the whole damn thing all over again the next month (minus all the hormone shots and ultrasounds of course).

Here is the news the weekly CB newsletter brought us:

"Would I had as good news for the many families in the China queue, but the slow down persists, in fact it is even worse this month. Contrary to rumors, which optimistically predicted more matching this month, CCAA is in fact matching less than one weekÂ’s files, with the cut off date predicted to be only May 30th. Yet again this means no referrals for CB, which is hard to take. Unfortunately there is no negotiation on this, no matter how good the relationship with CCAA, believe me we have tried.On the up side we have been given no indication of a shut down, the otherrumorr now circulating. The delays do appear to be related to the fallout from the recent scandal in Hunan province. Investigations are ongoing and it seems this is contributing to the slow down. Families currently in China start their journeys home today."

If you haven't already heard, an orphanage in Hunan province had been charged with baby trafficking back in February. This is around the time when referral slowdown started to happen, however, the CCAA had stated on their website that there were just more waiting families than there were available children. Here's a link to more of the story: http://research-china.blogspot.com/2006/02/what-is-truth-in-hunan.html

I feel like a broken record when people ask me when we'll get referral to which my reply is "...next month for sure". Well I've been saying that for the last 3 or 4 months. With our LID being May 31, not only would we be the next group up with our agency, but we are the very next day for the CCAA to match. However, I've now learnt that nothing is "for sure".

So here we wait, yet another month, to see what the "Powers that be" (meaning the CCAA) has to say. I've had my tantrum, my fit of rage and all the tears I plan to shed on this news. Now I'm done and it's time to compose myself and use this upcoming month to spend more f'n money on clothing my daughter might not even fit into because she'll be 12 by the time I get her, watch my ass grow because I'm glued to this f'n computer for any morsel of information I can get my hands on and sit in the nursery for hours on end wondering why the hell my baby is not sleeping in her crib!!!! Phew, okay, now I'm done. (excuse the potty mouth but I think I'm entitled!)

There are just no words.....

The buzz in rumorville is that the cut-off for the next round of referrals will be May 30th. That would mean that 5 days worth of logged-in dossiers were matched. The CCAA hasn't officially updated their website, so there is still a glimmer of hope, but at this moment in time....I'm all out of hope. My heart is broken....

This. Madness. Must. Stop.

Okay, so I've been doing a little bit of shopping lately....okay, alot of shopping. I can't stop!! I see all these cute things that I just absolutely MUST have my hands on. Here are just a few from the last couple of days....


The Lion plays "You are my sunshine" when you press the little sun around his neck and the Noah's Ark plays "Rock-a-bye baby" when you pull the star and the lights go on and off in the front. I just HAD to have these as they match the theme for her room. TOO CUTE!

And then I found these 3 things:

1. Noah pulling the hippo (for her first tooth), the lion (her first curl...although asian babies normally have straight hair, oh well, improvise) and the giraffe (for her first bracelet???? just in case she was born with one).

2. Lion, hippo and Noah in the boat that has 3 separate compartments for all her hair accessories (see below) and other goodies

3. And a wall hookie thingy (you know what I mean)


And of course, another outfit! I know, I know, since I don't know what size she is, she could very well be wearing this outfit in dead of winter next year, but boy will she look cute all froze up! (I'd put a jacket on her...sheesh!)

Could time go ANY SLOWER!!! The next round of referrals are due in the next couple of weeks and this time, I am pretty damn sure ours will be included. The CCAA would only have to cover 6 more days to complete all files that were logged-in in May of last year (that would be us). So unless I have no luck at all, I'll be posting her picture here in the next few weeks. It almost seems that the wait since the last set of referrals came out (end of February) till now has been longer and more excruciating than all the months prior. I guess I know we're getting close...so close I can almost touch it!! I've been reading the rumour mill swarming through the Chinese adoption community and someone was saying that they heard from their next door neighbors cousin who works with a girl who has an aunt that has a friend who ran into someone at Walmart that overheard a lady in the checkout say that the next set was suppose to be coming out yesterday! Well yesterday came and went with no more information than the day before....I should have known. But when you're as desperate as I am, any sort of rumour would have your panties in a tizzy too!

So keep checking back in the next few weeks, I'm sure I'll have more positive news!

No good news

There's no easy way to say it, so I will just say it. We missed the cut off for referrals this month by 6 days. Actually, 4 business days, but who the hell's counting right??? I just feel defeated. This is the news I read early Saturday morning:

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before May 25, 2005.

Keep in mind, our LID (Log In Date) is May 31st, 2005. Now that I've calmed down a little from what seemed to be the worst possible news I could have gotten, I can take this news and try to see the positives:

1. I can completely finish the nursery (this means spend more money)
2. I can get locky thingys for all the doors and cabinets so she doesn't decide to drink a bottle of Drano or nail polish remover (this also means spend more money)
3. I can go on one last un-kid-friendly holiday, like the last 3 times in Vegas and once in New York in the past year (this also means more $$$)
4. I can keep going out to weekly movie matinees (you guessed it, more money...see the trend?)
5. and so on, and so on.....

I thought for sure our LID would be included in this go-round but again, I was mistaken. The ONLY good thing out of this all is that we are definitely, positively, unequivocally, unmistakenly NEXT!!!! So lets hope this month goes by quickly and my next post WILL have more positive news, I promise.

Until then, we pray that our Jenna is safe, happy, healthy and loved.

Jenna needs us too!!!

So I spent some time reading blogs over the weekend (more time than I'd care to publicly mention...and to be honest, not just during the weekends, but every freakin' day, 10 times a day!! I need an intervention!) and there seems to be an interesting video link racing through blogworld over the past few days and after watching it, I thought I would share it here as well.

http://www.bringmehope.org/dvd/index.html (The 7 minute one is worth a look)

I always thought my journey to motherhood was a selfish one...I wanted a baby because I wanted to be a mother. Even when our efforts at having our own were futile, I still knew I wanted to be a mother, and regardless of how it was going to happen, it was just going to happen. Period. End of story. Selfish? Maybe. Determined? Hell yes. I guess, after watching the video, it made me realize that our Jenna needs us as her family just as much as we long for her.

And the damn video made me cry and that doesn't happen often!!! So enjoy!

Tick, tock, tick tock...

There continues to be no news on the referral front. I'm starting to believe Children's Bridge when they said that the next set of referrals will not show up until sometime in March. I suppose it's already the middle of February, which only leaves a few more weeks until March. All this waiting is beginning to get quite comical in a way. I'm asked almost daily by people who I've shared our adoption with "have you heard anything? is the baby here? do you have a picture? how much longer?.......". Believe me, there's nothing in this world I'd love more than to have more information for y'all, but I don't. But let me just say, when I do get referral, the whole dang world will know it, that's for damn sure! In the meantime, I pray that our Jenna is safe, happy and above all, loved. We'll be there soon, I promise!

Well, the nursery is ALMOST done. I say almost because I'm cautious to buy any more things for it just in case we get referred a boy. Now, this isn't all that common but it has certainly been known to happen. And not that we wouldn't be happy with a boy, because however way our family grows is fine by me. Plus, I always get the urge to buy clothes and being as though I don't know her age and size, or gender for that matter, I may be shopping in vane (shopping in vane??? unheard of!). I've already bought about 5 or so cute little dresses and girly sleepers but there are no shortage of baby girls within my circle of friends so I'm sure they'll be worn!! In any case, I've really tried to hold off on the clothing front. I will be going to New York for a few days of shopping next week so hopefully I'll find some really cute things for the nursery while I'm there.

Here are some before and after pictures of the baby room:

















The color of the walls are a little hard to see but it's a pale lilac and is soooo pretty. The theme for her room will be "Noah's Arc". I know the bedding looks sort of "boyish" but it does have a little pink and purple in it....honest! A big "Thank You" goes out to my mother-in-law and her partner for putting the crib together. It was a nice surprise to come home and see it all put together.

This weekend OneG agreed to go shopping for the stroller, car seat and high chair. (although when I thought of it late last night in bed, it could have just been a grunt that I took for a yes....we'll see) The last time I was at eChildren, I saw a stroller for $1200!!!! I asked how come the hefty price tag and she said it was made in Holland. Well, that answered my question.....NOT! Oh, and the fact that you can lift it with just one pinky. Again, something I look for when purchasing a stroller. Now who in their right mind would buy a stroller for that kind of money???? Not even me folks! But I must admit, things in the baby world ARE NOT CHEAP! This I am finding out quickly.

Well, that's it for this week folks.

Happy (Belated) Chinese New Years!!!

I had all these great plans to partake in Chinese New Year's celebrations this weekend but I found it more necessary to try and finish up Jenna's room. It is now fully painted and all her furniture now sits in her new room (albeit in pieces, but it's in there damnit!!). And holy man are there a lot of pieces. Good luck OneG (my new computer name for my hubby...cute huh) on putting it together by yourself as we both know that we don't work well together at the best of times. But I did mention to OneG and a few friends that from now on, I will be hosting a yearly CNY celebration to honor Jenna's homeland. I'll have to do some research on traditional customs (like asking my SIL who is Chinese) and try to incorporate that into it, but for people who know me, entertaining is my second name. OneG just shook his head when I shared this news, probably thinking that it's just one more reason for me to throw a party.....and he's right!

Now onto some news, or lack thereof. For what it's worth, here what Children's Bridge had to say in their weekly newsletter:

I am leading off with unhappy news, with no easy way to convey it. I have no positive news on referrals this week, nor will I for another month. The cut off date for matching of referrals this month is May 13th, 2005. Regrettably, this means CB will not receive any referrals.CCAA will close for a week for Lunar New Year. This means the next group of referrals likely will not come until early March. Then we expect to receive groups 230, 231 registered on May 16th and, if our luck changes, Group 232, registered in China on May 31st. Time lines from registration at CCAA to referral is now at ten months, with travel about two months later.On the upside we have no sense that the China program is in jeopardy overall. Adoptions are still happening and will continue, if more slowly.

I'm hoping that the part that says "early March" for referral is just them being extra cautious. Like what happened to February?? They could still match in Februray, no? Am I grasping at straws here?? Oh well, I guess in the meantime, we'll finish up the nursery and get the house baby-ready. It's almost February so what's ANOTHER month right?

Aaaawwwwwww

Could there be a cuter pink elephant in the whole wide universe!!!

Jenna's first elephant....(courtesy of our local truck stop where we had brunch today. Yes people, big burly truckers also find the need to purchase soft fluffy pink elephants at a truck stop after a long haul...where's your head!!)

Still no news...

Whoever said "no news is good news" needs to have their head examined!! I can't say I'm getting better at this "waiting" stuff, however, Jenna's room has finally been cleared of stray furniture and is ready to be worked on this week (hopefully).

Here is the latest update from Children's Bridge:

Normal procedure for CCAA is to send referrals out before Lunar New Year, which would mean by the end of next week with arrival the following week of the 30th. The lingering question for us is if there will be any for our families. The cut off date for this month’s referrals has not been set yet as CCAA ascertains how many children it can match and to what registration date that will take them. As our next groups were logged in May 16th the cut off date may preclude us. Fingers crossed that we make it in under the wire as I know you all want some more positive news.

So there you have it folks, no news.









This is a picture of the "Matching Room". All the files you see in this picture is of waiting families. Pick ours, pick ours, pick ours!!!! It's right there, just pick it already!

Trying to look on the bright side

Well today, the highly anticipated weekly update from our agency was right there, sitting in my inbox this morning, looking all glorious and full of hope with good news and positive thoughts....until I opened it of course! There was good news and bad news.... Good news is that our group (232) is still one group closer to getting our referrals as Group 229 received theirs this week (that is me looking on the bright side). Bad news is that the wait could very well be a bit longer than we expected:

"....we have to give you rather unhappy news. Group 229’s files were registered at the CCAA in the latter part of April 2005. The CCAA is only matching two weeks of files per month now, having dropped from two months worth at one stage, to one month, now to only two weeks. This means that in February, they will only match files registered before May 15th, 2005. Our next groups, 230, 231 and 232 were all registered after May 16th 2005. Accordingly, we anticipate we will not receive any referrals in February. This also means that time from registration to referral is creeping up to ten months and we expect it soon will be a year to referral. Families in waiting should anticipate these longer time lines and plan accordingly.We understand that this is discouraging for many of you and not the way we would choose to start the New Year.CCAA Director Lu, in a recent speech, indicated that the number of healthy babies in China is in decline while the number of families wishing to adopt keeps growing. CCAA simply cannot match all the waiting families as quickly as the families, and in fact CCAA, likes. They have effectively put on the brakes.We appreciate this unexpected and rather sudden increase in wait times is hard to take, and has thrown off planning for many of you. It is the unfortunate reality of international adoption that anything from changes in waiting time, to closures of programs, can happen in the blink of an eye and with no forewarning."

It's so hard to not be in control!!! I like to be in control!!!



With all this waiting, one would think I'm giving birth to an Asian elephant (average gestation: 645 days)!!!

Rainy days and Mondays....

So it's not raining (it's January in Northern Alberta), but it is Monday. I thought for sure I would have some great news to share by this time but unfortunately I don't. I suppose it was wishful thinking on our part to think that we would have our Jenna home for Christmas, but I thought we would at least have a referral by now. We're still waiting, very impatiently I might add, for that glorious phone call. Okay....maybe I'm the only one impatiently waiting...Gary is my tower of strength!! The beginning of December brought news of extended wait times for referrals increasing from 6-7 months to 9 months. Here is what the CCAA printed on their website:

"Recently, there are many speculations on the waiting time period for adoption process for inter-country adoption coming to China to adopt children. The following will help clarify such concerns: CCAA highly emphasizes on efficiency, effectiveness and quality, we have put unremitting effort to achieve this. But the length of processing time after adoptive family apply for their application is correlated with the number of inter-country adopting families and the number with the adopting children waiting to be adopted. If the number of adoptive families is higher than the number of children to be adopted, the waiting period will be extended, on the other hand, if the number of children waiting for adoption out numbers the number of adoptive families, then the waiting period will be shortened. Therefore, the waiting period for adoptive families will vary according to this and not due to inefficiency or other controlling factors."

Simple enough right? This would mean that we should expect our referral in February/March. The only good news I have to report is that, according to the CCAA website, they have now finished the review of all adoption applications registered with their office in May 2005. (Ours was registered May 31st, whew...that was close!) So now our application will go to the "matching room" where they will make our family. Around this time last year when we were beginning our homestudy, I just thought that the making of "our family" was so far away that I couldn't even grasp the concept of it. But I suppose having been through all we'd been through at that point, it was natural to be a bit pessimistic. I remember our social worker saying "just remember that no matter how long and frustrating the wait, know that at the exact moment that your daughter is chosen for you, she's the one you're meant to have". I've been thinking about that alot in the last little while, because it just seems that the closer I think we are, we're faced with yet another hurdle. But I guess I thought we'd never get to this point and we have so I suppose I should just be happy about that! (Can you hear my "Glass 1/2 full" chant right now!!) Only a few more months away...